Through my life experiences, I’ve come to one conclusion: The world can be mean, cold, and callous and people can be judgmental, vicious, cruel and downright insensitive to someone who’s overweight. I have far too many memories when I’ve encountered cruelty and insensitivity regarding my Morbid Obesity.
When it was time for me to give birth to my daughter, I was giving birth in a university hospital, so there were tons of doctors and interns crawling around that place. As soon as I entered the delivery room and was comfortable, I was surrounded by at least 7-8 doctors and nurses. My primary OBGYN was just released from duty after working in labor and delivery for 48 hours straight, so right there, my comforts were taken away in her absence…My family had gone home to get my bags, so it was just me and a bunch of strangers…I was scared to death and excited…but I was okay…it was about to go down, my baby was coming…but then…nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared me for what was to come.
The doctors all formally introduced themselves…GREAT, good start off, I felt good and they made me feel comfortable…but then…that conversation took a turn for the worst…the next thing I knew, in his next breath, in a very serious, intense and insensitive tone, he started to go into all types of details about the affects my weight had on my delivery…“because you are overweight, you run the risk of blood clotting…because of your weight…hemorrhaging…because of your weight…heart attack…respiratory failure…because of the size of your belly, if we have to perform emergency C-section, your c-section can re-open…”W-H-A-A-A-T! He went on and on and on and I’m sitting there shocked looking at all the doctor’s staring at me frowning, sad, droopy eyes, arms folded….the humiliation I felt…No Words!
At that moment, fear, sadness and despair gripped my heart…not to mention, for 40 weeks, I walked around carrying my baby somewhat depressed because I HATED the fact that I never conquered my weight…I wasn’t ready…I was utterly, utterly disappointed in myself…I let myself get this heavy and I didn’t lose the weight in time…most importantly, I let God down…I never forgave myself…so in that room, at that moment, with all those doctors, I was crushed. I was supposed to be thrilled and excited, I was giving birth for the first time, supposed to celebrate with my husband and Mom, I was going to see my baby’s face, the day I longed for all my life, but instead, I was utterly depressed, despairing, fearful and despondent. No Words!
I remember being at a gala and although I started packing on weight, I found a beautiful dress and felt somewhat nice and even a little comfortable in my skin that evening. This woman walks up to me and says “You’re gorgeous.…” I was so flattered, considering I was putting on weight, that made me feel good. She later found me and slips me a card and I looked at the card perplexed, she whispered “this is my surgeon’s business card, he recently performed my stomach stapling, I was heavy like you too, I just got my stomach stapled, you’re too beautiful to be that heavy, you should get your stomach stapled too.” I was crushed in my soul. All I wanted to do was go home and cry, but I had to stay at work the rest of the evening. No words!
If you ask my husband, everyone in high school wanted me, bless his heart, but what I remember, a lot of boys didn’t feel me because I was too big for them and the ones that did like me, dealt with me in secret. I remember hearing all the time, “Ke’Shawn is real pretty, but if she would only lose some weight.…”
No matter how pretty I was or shapely I became, I still felt utterly rejected and not good enough by most. Through my family, I’ve always had an understanding of who I was and a strong sense of self, Praise God, but the enemy always sent people to me to reinforce one particular message: You Are Not Good Enough and I often felt discounted.
That has been the message that I’ve gotten growing up most of my life, if it wasn’t because of my weight, it was because of our socio-economic status, so I got it on both sides…utter rejection…it’s serious and it’s affects are lasting.
No matter how much weight I would lose, I never quite made it to my goal and I was never fully satisfied with what I did accomplish. I realize now, the motives behind me losing the weight in the past was all wrong…it was surface…it was either to look better, get into smaller cloths, look like the other girls, make a boyfriend more interested, perhaps I’d fit in more….even today, the accomplishment I do make are awesome, but even still, there is still a level of dissatisfaction because of how far I have to go…so I know in that area, my mind still needs some renewal…the bible says rejoice in all things, so I’m learning a lot.
Continue to join me for “My Journey Towards Obesity” Part 3 where I’ll go into further detail about the cruelty of others regarding my obesity. For those of you that have faced this type of cruelty, let these scriptures minister to you. We Are More Than Enough In Our Savior’s Eyes. We Are Accepted & We Are His Beloved!!!
As always, be encouraged, stay connected, fight and Let’s Become Free Together.
Scripture Meditation:
Song of Solomon 7:10 (GWT)
I am my beloved’s, and he longs for me.
Isaiah 40:1-2 (NLT)
“Comfort, comfort my (daughter),” says your God… (your) sad days are gone and (your) sins are pardoned.
Isaiah 51:3 (NKJV)
For the Lord comforts (me), He comforts all (my) waste places; He makes (my) wilderness like (the garden of) Eden, And (my) desert like the garden of the Lord;
Philippians 3:13-14(NLT)
13…I have not (arrived), but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past (and what lies behind me) and (I) look forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of (my) race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling (me).
Job 42:12
The LORD blesses the latter part of (my) life more than the (beginning.)
Job 8:7(ESV)
And though (my) beginning was small, (my) latter days will be very great.
John Paul Talks About Rejection on Joni Table Talk
In His Name,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
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