“My Journey Towards Obesity” Part 3

When I asked God what He wanted me to write about after my series on fear, He said, “it’s time tell your story…the entire story.”

After Friday’s post, I struggled all weekend, I was hurt by the things I wrote about, not to mention, that information was so public…so private and kinda humiliating to be honest. But God said it’s time, there’s liberty in it for me, and based off of the enormous response I’ve been getting, there’s liberty in it for others. God is speaking, He’s wants us to let go of those things we hide in our hearts…it’s more than shedding pounds, but the hurt that’s been inflicted in our heart as a result of those pounds, it contaminating us today, it’s time to let it go.

I’ve always been thick, I’ve learned to accept and embrace that as an adult, but as a kid, teenager, I hated that…it plagued me my entire life…I was always subconscious about my weight and I just dreamed of being smaller…I was never comfortable in my skin.

I hated going to the stores and not being able to fit anything. I hated trying on female jeans for it could never fit my legs properly, I didn’t like being the biggest one among my friends and I didn’t like being embarrassed by some random stranger that would call me fat, or the local bully…I was tired, I just wanted to be smaller all my life.

I remember going to a friends house as a young girl and overhearing her older adult cousin talk about me, she didn’t know I was there, “I saw Ke’Shawn earlier, oh my goodness, she’s so fat, she’s like a little pig with a pig nose, she’s so fat…” I could hear my friend whispering to her “she’s in the house,” then I heard her say “I heard someone talking about your friend, and I said lady, don’t talk about Ke’Shawn like that, that’s not nice…” I felt horrible…I knew those were her true feelings. You’d be surprised the things I overheard people saying about me…all those things I hid in my heart.

I remember being a kid and while at the library minding my business, a local bully would come and taunt me, he’d look me straight in my face and say, “Hey fat girl, You look like Miss Piggy…Fat Girl…f-a-a-a-t girl,” and he wouldn’t stop either. Another time, someone said to me “You’re legs are so big, Michael Jordan couldn’t even palm it…” R-E-E-A-L-L-Y!

All my life, I have to honestly say, I hated the size of my legs. My legs were always excessively large…larger than the average person. Large legs ran in my family, but for me, they were always excessively large and I hated it…I tried my hardest to always cover my legs and no matter where I went, people would look at my legs and whisper, ALL MY LIFE, even today. I’m learning to embrace them now.

I remember in college, I was dating this guy. At that time, I was thick, but very shapely, but after graduating from school, all of sudden, I started packing on weight fast. There was one season where we didn’t see each other in a while, for we lived in different states.  When he came home, his face spoke a thousand words…disgust.  From that point forward, He started changing towards me.

I remember getting into an argument and I kept asking him what’s wrong over and over again…then the truth came out… he yelled to the top of his lungs and waved his hand over my body, “this, all of this, I don’t like you like this.”Crushing! I remember another time being whisked pass a room of his guy friends because he was too ashamed of me…I was an embarrassment…Crushing! To find out the depth of someone’s love after years later because of weight gain…No Words!

The devil always sent people, men especially, to reinforce one message, “You’re not good enough as you are.” I thank God for sending my husband, small and large, loved me through it all.

I remember one time, I had been walking in heals all day and after coming home, my feet and ankles were swollen,  a guy I was seeing at that time said in front of his entire family, “look at your feet, your feet are coming out your shoes, your feet can’t even fit in your shoes….” Another time, someone else asked me  “if you lose all your weight, what would you do with all of your excess skin?” R-E-A-L-L-Y?

Recently, someone was telling me about a conversation two people had about me, “she’s pretty but why is she so fat? She’s so fat, why is she so fat? Umm huh, she’s really fat.”  What made matters worse was the other person’s response, “She wasn’t always like that, I think she has Elephantitis….” REALLY? Now I have Elephantitis?

The devil always sent people to me to chip away at who I knew I was…who my family said I was…beautiful, just as I am…who God said I was…His child, His beloved…the one He seeks  and longs after….Over time, I’ve come to understand through every experience, No one, absolutely no one, validates who we are, who I am but Jesus! Knowing that, has made me whole again, the word, washing over those memories, comforted me yesterday and even today.

God reminded me today of what His words say’s about me, about us, a message to His people:

Isaiah 43: 1-(NKJV)

1 thus says the Lord, who created you…He who formed you, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.
4 …you were precious in My sight…I have loved you;
5…I am with you;
7 Everyone who is called by My name, Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”

18 “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.
21 This people I have formed for Myself; They shall declare My praise.

Continue to join me as I share the trauma of giving birth to my daughter and the affects my weight had on my recovery. As always, be encouraged, stay connected, fight, and let’s become free together.

Broken, Mended and Made Whole, pt.1

In His Name,

Ke’Shawn Adamson

B.O.O.M!

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