As a child, I always dreamed about getting married to that ONE, sharing everything together, our first child, the joy’s of being pregnant, giving birth and not just giving birth, but having a easy birth..having that moment in the hospital with each other…just enjoying the heights of marriage where life couldn’t be more perfect…well, my fantasy…yes, I said fantasy and how I pictured my pregnancy experiences…although I did have many, many, many joyous beautiful moments, for the most part, were intense, tumultuous and crazy to say the least.
One and a half years into being married, my husband and I were still newlyweds…we started traveling a little, we both were working, so money wasn’t a big issue, we were just enjoying the newness of everything…we were excited just to be married. The plan was we’d wait a few years before starting a family…so we took every precaution under the sun to secure that plan. My personal goal and plan was to lose all of my weight to make that journey for all of us safe and as less complicated as possible…so, after the first year of just fun, food and every day slumber parties and sundae’s with my hubby, I started to get back on the ban wagon to lose weight.
But after our first year of marriage, I kept feeling a sense of urgency to lose weight. I felt God pressing it upon my heart to get started to prepare my body for pregnancy, even though, in our minds, me becoming pregnant was some years away. So before summer hit, I got busy…I started exercising, eating better and became really focused…
I remember on Saturday, Sept 4th 2010, I had a long talk with God about the desires of my heart…I explained to Him my plan…I wanted to wait before having a family, there were some things I had to get in order…my body wasn’t ready and emotionally, I was still enjoying singleness with my husband…I asked, matter of fact, pleaded with God to grant me more time to work things out…to get things in order…and at that time, my job was talking about shutting down my department…so essentially, I was asking for His help to prepare for such a time, but not now, I’m not ready…I felt good after that prayer and as far as I was concerned, that matter was settled…I had no idea what was to come.
The next morning, Sunday, Sept 5th 2010, I just felt lead to go take a pregnancy test…not expecting anything from it…I took it, walked away and came back to check it…to my astonishment…my bewilderment…my surprise…my dismay…I WAS PREGNANT! The fir
st thing out of my mouth, “You got to be kidding me…W-H-A-A-T? You got to be kidding me….” Joy, excitement, fear, amazement, bewilderment, every emotion rushed in my soul. I ran and told my husband, we both were excited but shocked, scared and all of the above…we celebrated and were scared all at the same time….
After celebrating that moment, I started thinking…reality was setting in…wait…I don’t feel ready in every aspect…I’ve gained quite a few pounds that I need to lose…my job is getting ready to let me go in a month or two…I feel emotionally unprepared, I still feel like a kid…one of the greatest fears I had was not being prepared…my body was not ready to have a baby at this weight.
I sat in bed, hid my face and crie
d…at that time, I didn’t want to let my husband see me upset, didn’t want to make him worried or kill his joy…at that moment…I was excited to have my baby but…in my heart, devastated I was not ready for this journey…I wasn’t prepared…I didn’t lose the weight in time…I was so confused…we did everything to plan appropriately and out of no where…I’m expecting…all I could think about was I wasn’t ready…I wasn’t ready…I felt in my heart…I failed and I missed the mark…I didn’t prepare in time and I’m not ready… this was the beginning of where fear, regret, guilt, shame, disappointment and unforgiveness made its home….
But through this experience, all at the same time, was the beginning of my greatest journey and greatest understanding of God’s unconditional love towards me…the greatest form of mercy…the greatest form of forgiveness from God and forgiveness towards myself… and…the greatest expression of love and reward on the face of the earth…motherhood! Just want to say:
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO GOD’s GIFT TO MANKIND…GOD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL 
CREATION…MOTHER’S! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO MY ANGEL…MY MOMMY! “YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE…” Love You ENDLESSLY”
Continue to join me for “My Journey Towards Obesity” Part 4 as I continue to share the trauma of giving birth to my daughter and the affects my weight had on my recovery. As always, be encouraged, stay connected, fight, and let’s become free together.
If you’re in a season of uncertainty, I will leave you with some scriptures that ministered to me during this season of my life:
Psalm 127:3 (NLT)
3 Children are a gift from the Lord;they are a reward from him.
Acts 17:26-28 (NKJV)
26 And He has made from one blood[a] every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and (He) has determined their pre-appointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings,
2 Corinthians 12:9-10(NLT)
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” The power of Christ (is working) through me.
That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses…when I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Psalm 46:5 NIV
God is within me, I will not fall; God will help me at break of day.
Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV)
11 For I know the (plans I have for you), saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to (bring) you (to) an expected end.
Psalm 23 (NKJV)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
As always, be encouraged, stay connected, fight and Let’s Become Free Together.
Joyce Meyer- Refuse to Be Trapped by Your Past 2016
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5HoPFyZtfw
In His Name,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
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