With all of the trials my husband and I were going through during my pregnancy, as utterly disappointed as I was with myself for not losing weight or perhaps how inadequate and unready I felt in becoming a first time Mom, despite my heart complications, the previous cramping’s and more recently, losing my job, not to mention, my husband at risk for losing his job daily, to say the least, we were holding onto Jesus with our everything. We knew in spite of the storm, the Lord was with us and we had each other so we trudged through. But noting, absolutely nothing, prepared us for what came next.
In spite of all the crazy…my husband and I were in love, we were excited and both relished in the fact that we were having a baby…a moment we’ve imagined all of our lives. We bonded like never before and we celebrated the small moments and made the best of them…the movements of the baby, window shopping for baby items, maternity cloths, sharing a sundae, every doctor’s appointment and him not missing one, trips to a bakery after my doctors appointments, the long rides to and fro…we made the best of everything thrown at us.
But one night, I remember going to bed and telling my husband, “the baby’s been quite today, she moved around for a little bit, but she’s been quiet…I don’t know what’s going on in there, but maybe she’s sleeping a little more than normal…” We poked my belly a few times and she did move, but very little…instead of panicking, we both agreed that since she did move around, maybe she’s just tired, so we went to bed.
Inwardly, I was concerned, so first thing in the morning, I got up and drank a huge glass of ice cold water…nothing…no movement and that would usually get her moving. Then I ate some breakfast, that should get her moving…nothing. I put a flash light on my belly, usually that would do the trick, nothing. At this point, I was scared so I called my doctor and she said “If you haven’t felt the baby move more than a few hours go to the emergency room right away!”
As soon as I got the the hospital they hooked me up to track her heart beat, it was faint and they couldn’t read it, so they wanted to run more test. The hospital was short staffed that day and had other patients ahead of me, so I had to sit and wait a few hours before I could get a sonogram. During that time, all I could do was pray and wait. What if my baby’s dead? What will I do if I return without my baby today? I prayed all the more and decided to trust God. I said to myself, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m going to be fine, we’re going to be fine.: I had to keep speaking faith to myself to keep me falling apart.
I had a lot to think about while I waited. I spent most of my pregnancy going through…regretful about a lot of things…shameful and guilty about my weight and what I couldn’t change…worried and fearful about things to come…frightened about leaving my old care free way of life and embracing a change for the rest of my life…questions upon questions….Now, I’m in a life or death situation…all of that worrying…all of that guilt and shame I carried because of my weight, all of that tarrying over all the things I couldn’t change just didn’t seem to matter at that moment…all that mattered was focusing on the survival of the gift God was giving me and trusting Him. I sat there not knowing what the fate of my child would be, after all, people everyone lose children everyday, I was no exception. Right there, I had to make peace with God on how He felt things should turn out, if in fact, I would leave that hospital that day, with or without my baby…No words.
After some time, I was finally able to receive a sonogram and as soon as they put that camera on my belly, there she was, moving and kicking up a storm. I had been waiting hours, almost a half of day to feel her move again. The doctor said, “uup, there she is, you feel that…she’s moving up a storm…” super excited I exclaimed, yeah, there she is…oh boy, thank God but she waited until now to start moving, she could have done that earlier…” and we both laughed. That was the beginning of embracing what the Lord was giving me.
I called my husband and Mom and told them all was well. I went home so happy, but when the dust settled within minutes, I broke down…it really hit me. I thought to myself, “I could have lost my baby today…I really sat in that hospital and had to make peace with whatever The Lord chose to do, whether He would have allowed my baby to live or die…wow…this day…He said yes…” I sobbed…I sobbed out of guilt and regret for fighting change, I sobbed out of all of the wasted time and regret, shame and disappointment in myself for missing the mark and not losing my weight in time…at that moment, all that mattered was my child and I praised Him, “Thank you Lord for allowing me to keep my baby, I’m so sorry for being ungrateful and taking this season for granted…thank you for not breaking my heart and crushing my soul today, thank you for sparing her life and sparing mine…thank you for not crushing me, thank you for not crushing me.”
There’s a lot to be said about dwelling on the past and missing every moment God is trying to give us. In my inability to change my obesity, I beat myself up every step of the way and missing the bigger picture of what God was trying to do in my life. I was plagued by so much guilt, shame and disappointment and at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. God was speaking to me and He allowed that to happen for a reason. As I reflected today, I had to be honest with myself and God the hurt that season caused me…the guilt and shame caused by my obesity, my resistance inwardly of becoming what He’d call me to become and going where He was trying to send me. Addressing my past and the wounds within is at the very core of me overcoming my obesity and moving towards my future…it’s what God is calling each of us to do to find healing, wholeness and a higher level in him.
Continue to join me for “Moving Towards Obesity” Part 8 where I’ll share my tumultuous 4 day delivery and the message God had for my husband and I that helped us get through.
This scripture is that rhema word that helps me overcome the pains of my past:
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
As always, be encouraged, stay connected and Fight, and Let’s Become Free Together.
2 Steps To Emotional Healing by Terri Savelle Foy
In His Name,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
[wpdevart_like_box profile_id=”1664390230504472″ connections=”show” width=”300″ height=”150″ header=”small” cover_photo=”show” locale=”en_US”]
