As I wrote “…The Curse of Cycles & Unforgiveness” Part 3, I didn’t realize how much pain was hidden in my heart. I didn’t realize I still carried today, the pain, remorse, guilt, shame, unforgiveness and trauma of conceiving my daughter and the process of giving her life. I look back to that moment of time and realize there’s still trauma that needs healing in my soul. I realized that if I’m talking or writing about something and it automatically resonates pain in my soul, it’s an area that still needs healing and something God needs to work in within me.
There’s a whole lot to be said about guilt, shame and unforgiveness towards things done and undone, past and present. I beat myself up mercilessly for not fixing what I didn’t know how to change. The devil planted a lie in my head of condemnation, guilt, shame and unforgiveness and I took hold of that lie and it became apart of me…AND, it robbed me of the most miraculous experience of my life…bringing life into the world. For that, I cry…absolutely no words….
From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the devil began to work on my mind and thereafter, he would send people to reinforce and drive home the message he was playing in my head.
“You let yourself get Morbidly Obese and didn’t stop it. It’s your fault and The Lord is very disappointed in you. Whatever bad happens to you, its the consequences of your actions and He is very, very disappointmented you didn’t heed His word and change. You let Him down and you let yourself down! You are not ready or fit to be a Mother.”
At every corner, the devil never stopped reminding me I was morbidly obese and it was my fault. Every moment, blow after blow,after blow and various confirmations that my obesity was my fault which always brought on feelings of guilt, shame, anger and unforgiveness towards myself and in my mind, disapproval from God. I suffered quietly and silently in the agony of this lie.
It started with my first visit to the OBGYN when my doctor confirmed I was pregnant. It was a great moment, she exclaimed, “You’re having a baby” and my husband, the nurses and I celebrated. The next moment, all that started to change when she said, “unfortunately, I can no longer see you…your weight makes you high risk so I have to refer you to a high risk doctor, sorry….” Crushing #1!
So, I’m home laying down and all of a sudden my heart started racing and beating through my chest to the point I felt I was going to have a heart attack. Fast forward, I began to see the cardiologist to find out my pregnancy was causing electrical issues in my heart. After leaving one of my visits, I was in my car reading one of the prognosis and it read, “Morbidly Obesity!” I looked the word up and it said someone that’s 100 pounds plus overweight that’s at risk of every disease on the earth and high risk of dying early, very early. What blew my mind was that although I was overweight, I never thought of myself as “Morbidly Obese,” so I would never put myself in the category as being “Morbidly Obese?” That revelation was the sad truth of what I had become and that, destroyed everything in me. Dump Trump Crushing #2!
How about when I almost miscarried my baby due to dehydration? One day she wasn’t moving, another time, I had extreme cramping and when rushed to the hospital, come to find out that because of my weight, I needed double the amount of fluids for me and her which equates to 16 cups of water a day where I was only drinking 8. My baby could have died due to my lack of knowledge on handling my obesity. Earth Shattering Crushing #3!
How about when I’m in labor and delivery and I’m surrounded by five to eight doctors, arms folded, soleme faces discussing how my morbid obesity could cause greater challenges and risks of me dying, hemorrhaging, blood clotting, heart attack, stroke, lung failure, blood loss, every complication under the sun if I had a c-section…all this said right before I’m about to give birth. Can I tell you, this moment right here, was the most humiliating, bottom of the earth discouraging and fearful moment of my life. Life Crushing #4!
And the story continues…
Just want to leave us with this,
Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
No matter where we find ourselves, God’s love is relentless, His forgiveness is endless and His mercy is everlasting. No matter the depths we find ourselves in, God can and will reach down and pull us up and out of every despair to heal, save, deliver and restore broken pieces.
Continue to join me as I share with you what Christ is sharing with me about overcoming. As always, Be Encouraged, Stay Connected, Fight and Let’s Become Free Together!
Unstoppable Love (Lyric Video) – Jesus Culture feat. Kim Walker-Smith – Jesus Culture Music
Yours in Christ,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
