My beautiful little girl just turned 7 years old on May 15th…I’m thrilled, super excited and overjoyed!! I look back over her little life and I’m in awe at what God has done and given me…the miracle in this child. This little girl absolutely lights up my world and gives my life so much meaning. As I look at her, I remember how elated I was when I first looked at that pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant with her. In the same breath, I also remember that within minutes of finding out I was pregnant, that elation quickly turned into grief, fear, guilt, shame, sorrow and unforgiveness towards myself and before God because I knew in my heart, I wasn’t prepared for this journey…my body wasn’t prepared and that joy quickly turned into grief, unforgiveness and a shame that still plagues me sometimes today.
I tried these last 20 years to fix my morbid obesity…I really, really did. I really, really tried to stop this snow ball affect and this run away train of me moving towards obesity before it got out of control…I exercised, watched what I ate, I tried every program and would be successful for a little while, but then somewhere along the line I’d lose steam and go back into old habits. I could never tell you why I would always get half-way there and then back track?
This constant state of up and downs with my weight loss had me at an absolut loss. I always felt in trouble with God, I felt Him nudging me daily to begin my weight loss journey agressively especially should I unexpectedly become pregnant, so I needed to get this weight off. July of 2010, I made a commitment to God and said to myself, “This time, I’m going to do it…this time…I’m pressing forward and I will finally, once and for all, lose this weight!” So, I started my journey, started going back to the gym, started on Nutrisystem and the weight started to come off.
Sunday, September 5th 2010, I felt compelled to take a pregnancy test not expecting anything, but was just curious. We’ll, you already know what happened, the test read, “PREGNANT!” I looked at the test and said, “WHAAATTT! You gotta be kidding me…WHAAATT! You Gotta Be Kidding Me?!!!” I ran and woke my husband up and said, “Richard, I’m pregnant! I just took a pregnancy test and I’m pregnant!” He looked at me dazed and still waking up, “Whaaat? Woooow! Wooooww!” We just hugged and he rubbed my belly and said, “you’re going to have my baby…my baby…WOOOWW!” That was such a tender and beautiful moment I’ll never forget, full of love, excitement all wrapped up in nervousness and astonishment.
But within an hour, the devil started talking to my mind, “how are you going to have a baby…look at your body…you’re not even ready…your body isn’t ready…you can’t carry a baby with all that weight…God told you this would happen and you didn’t prepare…you wasted so much time and you didn’t buckle down…look, now your pregnant and it’s too late…you didn’t lose this weight and now you’re pregnant…you still feel like a kid…you’re not ready to be a mother…you’re not ready for a baby…whatever bad things happen, it’s all your fault because you didn’t prepare…it’s all your fault…You failed to lose weight…you not only failed yourself, but you failed God and it’s all your fault and He’s madd at you…whatever happens now…you did it and it’ll be all your fault…You let down your Father…”
From that day forward, the stronghold of unforgiveness, guilt, shame, sorrow and fear took hold of my life and soul. I hated myself for not fixing my morbid obesity, I hated and had immense unforgiveness, shame and guilt towards myself and felt that God was angry with me for not changing my circumstance…anything bad that would happen, it would be my fault and I deserved it.
The biggest emotional burden that was unbearable to carry was that The Father of the Universe, the One I long and live for, I let My God down and I disappointed Him.
From this point forward, I carried my first born child with a head hung low, deeply saturated with unforgiveness, self-hatred, guilt and shame that I not only let down myself, but I let down My Father in Heaven and I was a disappointment to Him….
To be continued….
If you too suffer from a state of guilt, shame, fear and unforgiveness for something done or undone before The Lord, scripture says Our Father LONGS and WAITS to show us mercy, compassion and forgivness moment to moment:
Isaiah 30:18 (NIV)
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Continue to join me as I share with you what Christ is sharing with me about overcoming. As Always, Be Encouraged, Stay Connected, Fight & Let’s Become Free Together!
Going Beyond Ministries with Priscilla Shirer – The Mercy of Our Great God
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfBzcvydHaM
Yours in Christ,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
